Forgiveness

I was raised as a Catholic Christian. My parents taught me all about forgiveness, such as how and why. As you all know, it's not easy to do.

Forgiving others was easy for me when I was little. I didn't think much about what others did to me I suppose and I forgave them and let it go.

Unfortunately, they kept doing it--making fun of me, pointing and laughing at my mistakes, making fun of my blonde hair, my blue eyes and anything else that they could find wrong about me, such as my pimples. As I grew older, it was harder and harder to forgive.

Their insults were getting more clever, meaner and dirtier.

I held grudges; secret grudges that I kept to myself. Why should I tell anyone? All the adults will say is that they're messing around and to just ignore it. So I turned to God. I asked what I should do.

But I was impatient. I felt like God wasn't answering any of my prayers. So I turned to music. I listened to it day after day and I felt better. Inspiring songs got me through the day.

Finally, I realized that I shut God out for awhile. So I let him back in, and I just waited and kept listening to music; Christian music.

Then, all of a sudden, I arrived at school and just let go of all the grudges and silently forgave all of the people who hurt me. I became a little happier day by day.

When 8th grade graduation finally arrived, I was happy to finally get out and start over. I was going to start all over, no more "lame me".

But I guess the "lame me" was never forgotten.

When I got to high school, freshman year was the best. I was happy to reunite with all of my friends and meet new ones, and even find a guy who loved me as I was. I thought everyone liked me. I thought the "me" in junior high was gone.

But then sophomore year came. My boyfriend had graduated, friends had betrayed my other friends, and even me. I was told that there were rumors about me, made by people I didn't even know, that I did drugs. I was appalled. I knew it wasn't true, but it still hurt.

People I met back in grade school still despised me; even people I had never met before despised me, like I was some sort of disease. Why? Because I was happy last year, and with my boyfriend around they thought they couldn't intervene and make me miserable? Maybe.

Rumors about me had floated around and left me scarred, left me crying myself to sleep sometimes. Friends I thought I knew showed me otherwise, and I was left uncertain and scared. Who am I to trust now?

I found it so hard to forgive. I felt like God had abandoned me, but I knew it wasn't so. I knew he was there, but I wasn't reaching for him like I was when I was littler.

I learned that forgiving wasn't as easy as it seemed.

When sophomore year ended, I told myself I wouldn't let anything anyone said about me, about my true friends, bother me. I would just forgive, even though I'd rather punch them in the face.

When I held my grudges and when I pushed God away and turned to music, nothing went right. I just have to accept the fact that people won't always change when you want them to. I must ignore them and forgive.